I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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