Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
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But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
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I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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