the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
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I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
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How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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