So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
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Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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