Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
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It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
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I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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