even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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