ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
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He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
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All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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