dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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