I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
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hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
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When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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