You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize