So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
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i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
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I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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