I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
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This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
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I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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