I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
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