i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
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First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
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Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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