I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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