Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
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Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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