I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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