I didn't shave. On purpose
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
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Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
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Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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