I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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