Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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