When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
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I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
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I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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