Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like giving head to a cactus.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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