Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
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