Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
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My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
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When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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