Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
