Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
