No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
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I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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