i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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