I wish I could teleport
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
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Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
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He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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