Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
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They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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