Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
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You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
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During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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