I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
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