You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
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Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
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Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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