Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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