until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
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Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
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No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize