***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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