Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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