dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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