he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
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Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
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Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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