I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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