I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
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BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
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Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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