Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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