The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
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