i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
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No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
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sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You ate ashes out of my bong
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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