M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
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I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
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People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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