FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize