the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
