I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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