Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize