If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
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Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
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