About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
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He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
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Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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